Author Archives: indymel

Frustrated w/Wordpress

posted by Mel

Something is messing with my font size on some of these posts, and I think it’s screwing up the formatting on the blog. Anybody know how to fix this? I’ve tried going back into the posts, but I can’t even figure out how to change the font size in the WordPress GUI editor. I tried deleting the text and pasting it back in as plain text, but even that’s not working. Text still comes out huge on some posts. 😦 Any suggestions much appreciated.



Filed under Uncategorized

NST #4

posted by Mel

A 4th reactive test. All good. Next u/s Thursday, but we won’t do another growth scan until next week. Assuming blood flow through the cord looks good Thursday, at least we will probably make it to 32 weeks. I’m not taking anything for granted these days.


Filed under Uncategorized

NST #3– Good, but…

posted by Mel

I suppose most people would say yesterday’s NST and biophysical profile went well. Unfortunately I’m more of a downer these days. Simone had a 3rd reactive NST, which I’m told is really unusual (in a good way) for her gestational age. Blood flow through the cord continues to look much improved from where it was 2 weeks ago.


She has had no growth spurt. I was hoping for 3 lbs. I gained 3 lbs in one week. She gained 1/2 lb in 2 weeks. I think this is probably normal for her gestational age, but she just has so much catching up to do that I was hoping for better. She is 30 weeks and just 2 lbs 9 oz. She has dropped a percentage point to be in the 3rd percentile for growth. One percentage point doesn’t seem like a lot until you get into those teeny tiny numbers. The peri said it’s not statistically significant, but in the next breath said that if she dropped down to 1%, she’d take her.

My mom asked if she was still planning to take Simone at 37 weeks. The answer: Absolutely. So I asked, will I make it to 37 weeks? The answer: (She sucks her breath in deeply) Unlikely. Will I make it to 34 weeks? The answer: (Another deep breath) I hope so.

No matter what I do, I cannot seem to keep myself from hoping and from being disappointed. This baby is going to be born in a month– if I’m lucky. This baby is going to end up in the NICU no matter what I do. She is not coming home with me. I’m going to get drugs I didn’t want no matter what I do. Simone is going to remain tiny no matter what I do. She’s going to need help breathing. She’s going to need help feeding.

I know I should be really happy I’ve made it this far. She is viable. The tests prove that she is strong and continuing to develop. The peri says that her size is not as important as her development, that she can be healthy and well developed even if she is small.

I just can’t stop mourning for that other birth– getting to go into labor on my OWN, getting to DECIDE when and what drugs I am given, getting to hold her first and put her to my breast instead of having her taken from me and handed to a fetal specialist immediately, put in an isolette where I’ll be able to look at her but maybe not even touch her, getting to take her home from the hospital and start our lives together immediately the way other parents and babies do, getting the chance to let my body redeem itself, prove that it really was made to do this. Science Science Science. I’m so glad it’s available to me and so fucking resentful that I’m dependent upon it– to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to deliver my baby, to keep her alive after she’s delivered. When do I get to be normal?

I’m not taking it down, but my ticker is taunting me. It says she should be almost 4 lbs right now. I’d much rather be worrying about tears and episiotomies and whether I was going to want that epidural or not right now.


Filed under always a manic infertile, Infertility, Preggo

NST #2

posted by Mel

Another really good non-stress test this morning. Simone was very reactive. Might have had something to do with the egg & cheese breakfast burrito, apple, and cranberry juice I scarfed down hoping to make her move so that we could get out of there more quickly. Many thanks to Katie who accompanied me this morning. I am trying to always take someone with me so that I’m not alone if I ever get bad news or am made to stay in the hospital. This Thursday my mom is on deck and totally psyched to be attending her very first ultrasound. I’m hoping to play the grandma card to get some measurements taken, because the nurse today told me that they probably wouldn’t take any at this biophysical profile. It has been two weeks since measurements were last taken. Because they weren’t good then I really want to know how much she has grown. I HOPE she has grown because I gained 2 lbs since last Wednesday! That’s right– 2 lbs in 5 days. I’m not complaining, though. I’m thrilled. That brings me to 13 lbs so far for this pregnancy. I’m hoping the sudden weight gain is not just turkey, dressing, and too many cookies and that it means she’s having some kind of miracle growth spurt.

In other news, a very nice man I work with asked me today if I was dilating at all yet. Um, no. It was asked out of concern and very well meant I know, but… inappropriate much?! It is probably the most personal question I’ve been asked yet. Somehow seems even more personal than when people ask about the mechanics of artificial insemination and IVF, details I actually never mind providing because I love to educate others about ART.


Filed under Gettin' Knocked Up, Preggo

Warning: Disgustingly Adorable Pregnant Sisters

posted by Mel
For the first time, it’s actually getting fun being pregnant with my sister– even though the bitch (said with love, of course) got pregnant for free on her 2nd try in her own bed with her HUSBAND, and I got pregnant for over $30K on my 20+ try (Doing the real math would make me ill) in the stirrups. Photographic evidence of the cuteness after the jump. Infertiles in the bad place: I will not be offended if you do not click through.


Filed under Preggo

Something to be Thankful For

posted by Mel

Yesterday’s NST went very well. She was surprisingly reactive for 29 weeks, which wasn’t expected for this gestational age apparently. Blood flow through the cord was improved this week, so they opted not to do the biophysical profile. I have to go back on Monday for another NST, and then they’ll look at her on u/s and do another check of the cord and a growth scan next Thursday. It’s going to be like this from here on out– an appointment every 3-4 days. The peri was at least confident enough to say she thought I’d make it to 30 weeks, but she is giving no guarantees beyond that. I’m just going to have to live 3-4 days at a time. She at least seemed hopeful and said she did not think it was time to think about administering any shots to mature Simone’s lungs. Even if cord blood flow starts to degrade, the first step will be to put me into the hospital and monitor me all the time. I’m actually thankful for that. I feel like I’ll at least get a little warning before Simone arrives– even if it’s only 24 hours.

I did find out that I’ve got a much higher chance of ending up with a C-section, so that’s something I’m going to start mentally preparing myself for. She said she thought there was a 50% chance but that, when it’s time for Simone to come, we’ll put me through a stress test with pitocin to simulate labor to see how she would tolerate a vaginal delivery. Crossing my fingers that she’ll be strong and healthy enough, but I’ll do what I have to do.

This morning my baby is alive, kicking, and staying put until at least 30 weeks.


Filed under Preggo


posted by Mel

Now that the numbness has worn off, now that the acceptance of new circumstances has begun to set in, I am coming back to the me that is a demanding control freak of a patient. We see the peri again on Wednesday, and I am beginning to collect my questions. I’m going to list here what I have so far, and if anyone thinks of anything to contribute, let me know.

1. What’s the metric that would cause you to call for an induction immediately?

2. If Simone were to come right now, what kind of complications would we face (at 29 weeks)?

3. How old do babies need to be before they can usually breastfeed? Will she get my expressed breastmilk in the NICU, or will she probably have to be IV-fed?

4. Should I get a shot to mature her lungs? When would you administer that?

5. Do growth restricted babies ever have growth spurts, or can we expect her growth rate to continue to decline only?

6. Could sleeping on my back have contributed to taxing the cord?

7. Does the baby’s ethnicity make a difference? The doctors have referred to my ethnicity and genetic makeup, and I think they just assume that the donor was white, but he wasn’t.

8. Should I be trying to consume more calories or increasing my iron intake?

9. What percentile was Simone at 23 weeks compared to her percentile now? Was the 4% mentioned her growth or just her size for her gestational age? Is it tracking lower or the same?


Filed under always a manic infertile, Preggo