Monthly Archives: March 2009

Goodbye for now

posted by Mel

I know it has been forever since I posted. The truth is, I’m overwhelmed and depressed. Breastfeeding was hell with a preemie with a tiny mouth and required use of a nipple shield. Feedings sometimes lasted an hour. Zillions of doctors’ appointments made them nearly impossible. I laid awake at night fretting over how I was going to organize them.

Simone had surgery for her hernias. It was tough, but we got through it. While we were at the hospital the cardiologist took another listen to her heart and ordered an x-ray which showed more fluid in her lungs, so she was put on medicine that would help dry it up and make it easier for her to breath. (This is happening b/c of the VSD– one of the holes in her heart.)

For the past week or so Simone had been falling asleep at the breast, making feedings drag on longer and longer. Postpartum depression has been robbing me of my sanity, so I got on an anti-depressant and had nearly decided to give up BFing all together when it was time for her next cardiologist appointment two days ago. Tests showed that, although two of the holes in her heart appear to be closing, the most troublesome one- the VSD- has not changed and, in fact, she now has a 2nd VSD. She’s not gaining weight as she should, and it’s probably because her little body is using the calories to keep up with the workload her heart’s not handling right now. Breastfeeding is too much effort for her, so it turns out that giving it up is the best decision for both of us. Somehow it’s still breaking my heart and making me sick. When she reaches 12 lbs, she’ll have surgery to repair the holes. It’s going to be a struggle to get there.

I’m trying to dry up cold turkey. It’s extremely painful. Meanwhile, Simone is making a rough transition to formula and doesn’t want to eat at all this morning.

So that’s the update. Sorry it’s not happier. If you want to keep up with us, Facebook probably really is the best way. I don’t have much time to post here anymore, and right now it’s hard to summon the energy. I love you all and appreciate the support this community has provided. I hope to rejoin it in a happier time a few months from now when Simone has recovered from her surgery and is doing better.

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