NST #5, U/S #I’ve stopped counting

posted by Mel

Yesterday’s went great. Simone had a pretty quiet last couple of days, and I haven’t been feeling her move much, so I was a little worried. I’ve been listening to her on the doppler at home and fretting over whether I should call the doc b/c her kick counts were down,  but I am already at that hospital so. freaking. much. that I decided to hold off and just keep listening to her to quiet my fears. Apparently she was still moving plenty even when I couldn’t feel her– maybe had something to do with her location deep in my pelvis b/c they pissed her off yesterday and she has changed positions again (breech). Now I’m feeling her more frequently.

Another reactive NST. And the u/s– the peri who looked at it, not my regular peri, called the blood flow through the cord NORMAL. That’s not a word I get to hear a lot. He showed us a graph of her growth compared to other babies, and her growth curve is similar, even though it falls well out of the lines of where it should be compared to other babies. There was no growth scan yesterday, so we see that again next Thursday, but as long as she is growing she stays put.

Also saw my regular OB yesterday. The messaging from the OB is so different from the messaging from the peri. I like both, but I never know whose judgment to trust. The peri smiles while she tells you your baby is growth-restricted and you’ll be lucky to make it to 34 weeks and shouldn’t make a birth plan and should resign yourself to a pre-birth hospital stay, lung maturing shots, the potential of a c-section, and 6 weeks in the NICU. The OB talks about keeping the birth as non-interventionist as it can be, allowing me to labor and deliver vaginally (after induction, of course), no more drugs than I want, the possibility of still making it to 37 weeks, and how she just pushed a set of triplets to 35 weeks last week. I just have no idea anymore. Every time I hope I get knocked down. Every time I resign myself to disappointment, I get lifted back up.

Was listening to an interview on NPR this morning– Renee Montagne talking to the director of a new film called Doubt. The director Philip Seymour Hoffman made this comment: “Certainty is a closed door. It’s the end of the conversation. Doubt is an open door.” I believe that my daughter and I are separate people. My child will be perfect unto herself, and she will reach much higher heights if I allow her to find her own way. If I try to control her too much, I’ll wreck our relationship and/or stifle her. Simone has decided to begin this conversation very early, and I feel like she’s already asking me to let go of her a little.

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10 Comments

Filed under always a manic infertile, Preggo, Young'n

10 responses to “NST #5, U/S #I’ve stopped counting

  1. Hang in there. Simone is definitely running this show. Get used to it. 😉

    Your last paragraph is exquisite. You are celebrating her independent spirit, even though it stings a bit. You’re a great mom already!

  2. precocious little gal 😉 i am glad things are going so well and that simone is speaking up for herself so soon 😉

  3. vee

    Always glad to check in here and see good news.

  4. Co

    The conflicting messages of peri and OB would drive me crazy. But it sounds like it has more to do with their outlooks than anything else… and who their patients tend to be. A peri only sees high-risk cases, right? An OB sees a larger spectrum. So, it makes sense that the peri is of the “must prepare for the worst, and maybe she’ll be pleasantly surprised” ilk and the OB is more optimistic. I think that really doesn’t have much to do with Simone.

    I am glad she is still cooking and that you are learning to let go. It’s an important gift to give our children, even while in utero.

  5. Now you make me feel silly for continuing to count! Every week in my appointment book, I have the #’s written in next to my appointment. (12/10, 1pm, NST/BPP #11, u/s #20)

    Good job Simone! You just keep growing on your little teeny curve, okay?

  6. giggleblue

    i’m happy to hear that Simone is trucking right along!

    i’m co-signing with another comment left, and agreeing that accepting her independent spirit is a sign of a wonderful mother. i think she sooner you realize that your child is not you, the faster you can get on with accepting them as they are.

    i remember in the beginning, people would say, oh, that baby is a part of you and while i understood their intentions, i would have to beg to differ. each baby is their own person, independent of their biological connections.

    i have faith that things will be well. keep on doing what you are doing!

  7. missanthropy

    I’m with Co on this one; I was going to say the same thing. After meeting the OB, myself, I was pleasantly surprised at her upbeat attitude. She’s definitely the kind of person I want to be around, regardless of what circumstances I may find myself in with this pregnancy.

  8. So glad to hear that despite any opinions or observations that Simone is coming along at her pace and making decisions about her own health in spite of what anyone is telling you. Babys tend to do that. It’s funny how we all want to have them go with the program when they seem to come along fine at their own pace 🙂 Big step in letting go a little now. Wish I could have done that with Corey when he was 3wks overdue, lol. Hang in there, you’re both doing beautifully!

  9. Robin

    That is really great news. Perhaps a sigh of relief for the moment is in order.

  10. docgrumbles

    A little dose of “normal” has to be good. I hope you get to make it as long as possible.

    Stay in and stay healthy, Simone!

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