posted by Mel
Yesterday’s went great. Simone had a pretty quiet last couple of days, and I haven’t been feeling her move much, so I was a little worried. I’ve been listening to her on the doppler at home and fretting over whether I should call the doc b/c her kick counts were down, but I am already at that hospital so. freaking. much. that I decided to hold off and just keep listening to her to quiet my fears. Apparently she was still moving plenty even when I couldn’t feel her– maybe had something to do with her location deep in my pelvis b/c they pissed her off yesterday and she has changed positions again (breech). Now I’m feeling her more frequently.
Another reactive NST. And the u/s– the peri who looked at it, not my regular peri, called the blood flow through the cord NORMAL. That’s not a word I get to hear a lot. He showed us a graph of her growth compared to other babies, and her growth curve is similar, even though it falls well out of the lines of where it should be compared to other babies. There was no growth scan yesterday, so we see that again next Thursday, but as long as she is growing she stays put.
Also saw my regular OB yesterday. The messaging from the OB is so different from the messaging from the peri. I like both, but I never know whose judgment to trust. The peri smiles while she tells you your baby is growth-restricted and you’ll be lucky to make it to 34 weeks and shouldn’t make a birth plan and should resign yourself to a pre-birth hospital stay, lung maturing shots, the potential of a c-section, and 6 weeks in the NICU. The OB talks about keeping the birth as non-interventionist as it can be, allowing me to labor and deliver vaginally (after induction, of course), no more drugs than I want, the possibility of still making it to 37 weeks, and how she just pushed a set of triplets to 35 weeks last week. I just have no idea anymore. Every time I hope I get knocked down. Every time I resign myself to disappointment, I get lifted back up.
Was listening to an interview on NPR this morning– Renee Montagne talking to the director of a new film called Doubt. The director Philip Seymour Hoffman made this comment: “Certainty is a closed door. It’s the end of the conversation. Doubt is an open door.” I believe that my daughter and I are separate people. My child will be perfect unto herself, and she will reach much higher heights if I allow her to find her own way. If I try to control her too much, I’ll wreck our relationship and/or stifle her. Simone has decided to begin this conversation very early, and I feel like she’s already asking me to let go of her a little.