NST #3– Good, but…

posted by Mel

I suppose most people would say yesterday’s NST and biophysical profile went well. Unfortunately I’m more of a downer these days. Simone had a 3rd reactive NST, which I’m told is really unusual (in a good way) for her gestational age. Blood flow through the cord continues to look much improved from where it was 2 weeks ago.

BUT

She has had no growth spurt. I was hoping for 3 lbs. I gained 3 lbs in one week. She gained 1/2 lb in 2 weeks. I think this is probably normal for her gestational age, but she just has so much catching up to do that I was hoping for better. She is 30 weeks and just 2 lbs 9 oz. She has dropped a percentage point to be in the 3rd percentile for growth. One percentage point doesn’t seem like a lot until you get into those teeny tiny numbers. The peri said it’s not statistically significant, but in the next breath said that if she dropped down to 1%, she’d take her.

My mom asked if she was still planning to take Simone at 37 weeks. The answer: Absolutely. So I asked, will I make it to 37 weeks? The answer: (She sucks her breath in deeply) Unlikely. Will I make it to 34 weeks? The answer: (Another deep breath) I hope so.

No matter what I do, I cannot seem to keep myself from hoping and from being disappointed. This baby is going to be born in a month– if I’m lucky. This baby is going to end up in the NICU no matter what I do. She is not coming home with me. I’m going to get drugs I didn’t want no matter what I do. Simone is going to remain tiny no matter what I do. She’s going to need help breathing. She’s going to need help feeding.

I know I should be really happy I’ve made it this far. She is viable. The tests prove that she is strong and continuing to develop. The peri says that her size is not as important as her development, that she can be healthy and well developed even if she is small.

I just can’t stop mourning for that other birth– getting to go into labor on my OWN, getting to DECIDE when and what drugs I am given, getting to hold her first and put her to my breast instead of having her taken from me and handed to a fetal specialist immediately, put in an isolette where I’ll be able to look at her but maybe not even touch her, getting to take her home from the hospital and start our lives together immediately the way other parents and babies do, getting the chance to let my body redeem itself, prove that it really was made to do this. Science Science Science. I’m so glad it’s available to me and so fucking resentful that I’m dependent upon it– to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to deliver my baby, to keep her alive after she’s delivered. When do I get to be normal?

I’m not taking it down, but my ticker is taunting me. It says she should be almost 4 lbs right now. I’d much rather be worrying about tears and episiotomies and whether I was going to want that epidural or not right now.

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10 Comments

Filed under always a manic infertile, Infertility, Preggo

10 responses to “NST #3– Good, but…

  1. nutella

    I’m so sorry that you are losing the dreams you had for birth and early parenthood. But so very glad that Simone is a fighter. Hang in there and know that we are sending you all the good growing and thriving vibes we have.

  2. i say, take down the ticker… there is NO reason to be constantly comparing to some average situation. my guess is that a HUGE % of births, birth weights, growth patterns differ wildly from ”normal”.

    that said, i totally understand your disappointment at how different your birth and first days with simone will be from what you imagined and would prefer.

    wish i could give you a big hug…

  3. docgrumbles

    😦

    Sorry

    But… still happy she is growing

  4. I’m so sorry that you are having to mourn the loss of your dream pregnancy/labor and newborn moments. But I am very happy to hear that Simone is fighting on.

  5. I’m sorry for the stress and the loss of your birthing choices — seems like we don’t get much in the way of choice about this process at all… is the ultrasound weight estimate very accurate?

    Don’t know if it helps to hear this, but I was only in the 3rd percentile for weight when I was born (“a pipsqueak” as my dad used to say). Didn’t harm me none.

    In any case, will be thinking plump healthy thoughts for Simone.

  6. Lo

    Thinking of you.

    FWIW, I was 4 lbs at birth (not sure what I would have been at 30 weeks!) and no one named it anything…

  7. We are thinking of you and Simone through this stressful time. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone. Hang in there, as hard as that may seem. You have a lot of people praying for you.

  8. Robin

    Hey Mel,
    I’m sorry your dream scenario doesn’t appear to be coming to fruition. Perhaps you could take the less scientific route of shaking your finger at Simone, telling her to gain some weight and quit freaking us all out. As predictable as science and testing and all of these wonderful mathematical factors are, the plan can change at any moment and her strength may just shock us all. I will be thinking positive and sending good prayers your way.

  9. Sending out some strong, healthy growing energy to Simone!! Sounds like she is strong and still growing so those are really good things. I’m sorry that you will not have the birth and early parenting that you want….such a disappointment. I’m hopeful that things will go just as it needs to and Simone will be born when and how she needs to be for everyone’s health and safety.

  10. Co

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is completely, 100% unfair. And you have every right to be down about that. I remember having to convince myself that just because I needed drugs and whatnot to conceive, that didn’t mean I would need anything extraordinary once I was pg. But sometimes, people get both ends of a short stick, like you. You struggled to conceive (understatement much?) and now you’re faced with pregnancy complications (understatement again).

    You can and should mourn the dreams you are losing. You can mourn them now. You can mourn them later, too. My childbirth educator actually offers birth counseling because a lot of women do mourn when the births they eventually have or their early days of parenthood don’t go the way they hoped. Yes, thank G-d for science. Yes, what ultimately matters is that Simone is born as healthy as possible and is well cared for. But that doesn’t mean this doesn’t suck.

    I will pray that little Simone continues to cook for as long as possible. Hugs and light.

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