Monthly Archives: December 2008

Apropos of Nothing

posted by Mel

I hate IKEA. There isn’t one close by, so I am forced to shop on their horrible web site. Nothing I love for the baby’s room is available for sale on their horrible web site.

In other news, Simone’s last NST was fine. Next NST and growth scan on Friday. The holidays have been good, but I am glad they’re over. Ready to get this show on the road and meet my kid already.

Note my ticker says Simone is over 5 lbs– don’t I wish. I’m crossing all of my fingers and toes for 4 lbs this week.

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NST #7 + 32-week U/S

posted by Mel

Made it through another one without getting kept at the hospital. Blood flow through the cord still “normal.” She grew 9 oz in two weeks to 3 lbs, 2 oz. The peri said babies usually grow about 1 1b in this same timeframe at this gestation but was satisfied that at least she was still growing and still following along the same growth curve as most babies, even if she is well outside of the normal range. She is just so tiny. Assuming the NSTs continue to look good it looks like we’ll make it to 34 weeks. The ultimate goal of course is still to make it to 37, when the peri said that, despite her size, she should be able to breathe and feed on her own. At that point she’d just have to be kept in a heated isolette until she could maintain her own body temperature, which usually happens when they reach 5 lbs. My dream would be to take her home from the hospital when I am discharged. I’d gladly settle, however, for no vent and no IV.

It’s still frustrating not to be able to do anything to make her grow. I expressed this to the peri, and he asked how far along the nursery was b/c at least that’s something I can do. When I admitted it wasn’t very far along because things seemed so up in the air, he said that it was time to accept the reality that I will leave the hospital at some point with a real live baby. He’s so kind. It was word-of-mouth referrals to him that made me choose this practice in the first place, and even though I didn’t end up getting him as my full-time doc, I haven’t been disappointed in a single caregiver I’ve seen there.

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NST #5, U/S #I’ve stopped counting

posted by Mel

Yesterday’s went great. Simone had a pretty quiet last couple of days, and I haven’t been feeling her move much, so I was a little worried. I’ve been listening to her on the doppler at home and fretting over whether I should call the doc b/c her kick counts were down,  but I am already at that hospital so. freaking. much. that I decided to hold off and just keep listening to her to quiet my fears. Apparently she was still moving plenty even when I couldn’t feel her– maybe had something to do with her location deep in my pelvis b/c they pissed her off yesterday and she has changed positions again (breech). Now I’m feeling her more frequently.

Another reactive NST. And the u/s– the peri who looked at it, not my regular peri, called the blood flow through the cord NORMAL. That’s not a word I get to hear a lot. He showed us a graph of her growth compared to other babies, and her growth curve is similar, even though it falls well out of the lines of where it should be compared to other babies. There was no growth scan yesterday, so we see that again next Thursday, but as long as she is growing she stays put.

Also saw my regular OB yesterday. The messaging from the OB is so different from the messaging from the peri. I like both, but I never know whose judgment to trust. The peri smiles while she tells you your baby is growth-restricted and you’ll be lucky to make it to 34 weeks and shouldn’t make a birth plan and should resign yourself to a pre-birth hospital stay, lung maturing shots, the potential of a c-section, and 6 weeks in the NICU. The OB talks about keeping the birth as non-interventionist as it can be, allowing me to labor and deliver vaginally (after induction, of course), no more drugs than I want, the possibility of still making it to 37 weeks, and how she just pushed a set of triplets to 35 weeks last week. I just have no idea anymore. Every time I hope I get knocked down. Every time I resign myself to disappointment, I get lifted back up.

Was listening to an interview on NPR this morning– Renee Montagne talking to the director of a new film called Doubt. The director Philip Seymour Hoffman made this comment: “Certainty is a closed door. It’s the end of the conversation. Doubt is an open door.” I believe that my daughter and I are separate people. My child will be perfect unto herself, and she will reach much higher heights if I allow her to find her own way. If I try to control her too much, I’ll wreck our relationship and/or stifle her. Simone has decided to begin this conversation very early, and I feel like she’s already asking me to let go of her a little.

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Filed under always a manic infertile, Preggo, Young'n

Probably TMI

posted by Mel

I just emptied my uncomfortably over-full bladder and felt Simone slide immediately into the vacated space (ouch). So I get no relief, and in 5 minutes I will have to go again. Thanks, Simone.

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Frustrated w/WordPress

posted by Mel

Something is messing with my font size on some of these posts, and I think it’s screwing up the formatting on the blog. Anybody know how to fix this? I’ve tried going back into the posts, but I can’t even figure out how to change the font size in the WordPress GUI editor. I tried deleting the text and pasting it back in as plain text, but even that’s not working. Text still comes out huge on some posts. 😦 Any suggestions much appreciated.

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NST #4

posted by Mel

A 4th reactive test. All good. Next u/s Thursday, but we won’t do another growth scan until next week. Assuming blood flow through the cord looks good Thursday, at least we will probably make it to 32 weeks. I’m not taking anything for granted these days.

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NST #3– Good, but…

posted by Mel

I suppose most people would say yesterday’s NST and biophysical profile went well. Unfortunately I’m more of a downer these days. Simone had a 3rd reactive NST, which I’m told is really unusual (in a good way) for her gestational age. Blood flow through the cord continues to look much improved from where it was 2 weeks ago.

BUT

She has had no growth spurt. I was hoping for 3 lbs. I gained 3 lbs in one week. She gained 1/2 lb in 2 weeks. I think this is probably normal for her gestational age, but she just has so much catching up to do that I was hoping for better. She is 30 weeks and just 2 lbs 9 oz. She has dropped a percentage point to be in the 3rd percentile for growth. One percentage point doesn’t seem like a lot until you get into those teeny tiny numbers. The peri said it’s not statistically significant, but in the next breath said that if she dropped down to 1%, she’d take her.

My mom asked if she was still planning to take Simone at 37 weeks. The answer: Absolutely. So I asked, will I make it to 37 weeks? The answer: (She sucks her breath in deeply) Unlikely. Will I make it to 34 weeks? The answer: (Another deep breath) I hope so.

No matter what I do, I cannot seem to keep myself from hoping and from being disappointed. This baby is going to be born in a month– if I’m lucky. This baby is going to end up in the NICU no matter what I do. She is not coming home with me. I’m going to get drugs I didn’t want no matter what I do. Simone is going to remain tiny no matter what I do. She’s going to need help breathing. She’s going to need help feeding.

I know I should be really happy I’ve made it this far. She is viable. The tests prove that she is strong and continuing to develop. The peri says that her size is not as important as her development, that she can be healthy and well developed even if she is small.

I just can’t stop mourning for that other birth– getting to go into labor on my OWN, getting to DECIDE when and what drugs I am given, getting to hold her first and put her to my breast instead of having her taken from me and handed to a fetal specialist immediately, put in an isolette where I’ll be able to look at her but maybe not even touch her, getting to take her home from the hospital and start our lives together immediately the way other parents and babies do, getting the chance to let my body redeem itself, prove that it really was made to do this. Science Science Science. I’m so glad it’s available to me and so fucking resentful that I’m dependent upon it– to get pregnant, to stay pregnant, to deliver my baby, to keep her alive after she’s delivered. When do I get to be normal?

I’m not taking it down, but my ticker is taunting me. It says she should be almost 4 lbs right now. I’d much rather be worrying about tears and episiotomies and whether I was going to want that epidural or not right now.

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Filed under always a manic infertile, Infertility, Preggo