Blues

posted by Mel

I expected to feel relief when I made it to 26 weeks. The truth is, I’m not really anxious about her dying these days. She seems to be getting along OK without me worrying too much about her. I’m getting bigger. I’m gaining weight– up approximately 8 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight. What I feel is something I’m a little ashamed to admit to this world of women who want so much what I have. I feel disconnected. As the weeks go on, she is becoming less real.

Is this really another person kicking at my waistband?  I can’t see her in my mind’s eye. I don’t dream about her at night anymore. I’m more and more aware of how this pregnancy is affecting me physically, emotionally, and mentally. I’m awkward. I walk slower and more carefully. When I cough I have to hold my abdomen to keep from experiencing shooting pains in my groin. If I accidentally roll over on my back at night I have trouble coming back up into a sitting position in the morning. If I stand too long in one place I get light-headed.

I feel exposed. Don’t misunderstand. I love it when people who know and love me comment on the pregnancy. Believe it or not, I even love it when they touch my belly. It makes it feel more real. But I hate it when co-workers and relative strangers do the quick glance down, the is-she-or-isn’t-she, the how-the-hell-did-that-happen? I feel like I can’t take a break from it, like pregnancy has become all I am. Yesterday afternoon was like running into a loud industrial fan. It was all I could do to stay upright. If I had to juggle one more thing I was going to shut down completely. I contemplated leaving work but couldn’t even face the parking lot. I finally shut my door for a few minutes, pulled my blinds, laid my head down on my desk and just sobbed. After a couple of minutes I realized that I am probably experiencing some kind of pregnancy-related hormonal shift, and then I was able to pull myself together and face the rest of the afternoon, do what I needed to do. On the way home I heard that Barak Obama’s grandmother had passed away and I had to sob again. I hate what’s happening to my brain, and I feel like I can never quite shake it off. I’m reaching for the happy, but it eludes me. I want to focus on my baby, but to focus I have to be able to see her.

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9 Comments

Filed under Preggo

9 responses to “Blues

  1. so much going on… so much… it may be that you are having a hard time imagining what life will be like when simone gets here… what parts will be as you imagined? what parts not? i am thinking that distancing yourself from what *will/might be* can make it hard to be connected where you are – i know when i am *protecting* myself in that way, i can’t connect with anyone. sorry if that sounds abstract… sending you love, simone will be fine even if you are feeling all weird and disconnected right now. if you ever want to talk offline, you can reach me at mulberrymail@gmail.com

  2. Co

    Pregnancy can be hard, even for those of us who really wanted it badly. The hormones, the bodily changes, the additional pressures of being a lesbian mom-to-be, the fact that there are fewer things to reach for to take the edge off (Rescue Remedy lived by my bed while I was pg, but there were days when I really wanted a glass of wine) coupled with the physical discomforts.

    Hang in there. What you say sounds so normal to me. And you’re right… Simone will grow just fine. You don’t have to consciously do anything to make your body adjust to her presence and growth. That kind of amazed me about pregnancy. That I didn’t have to do anything conscious during it. TTC was such a concerted effort… inject this, have blood drawn, have ultrasound, inject this other thing, etc. But pregnancy, once it is going, it just keeps happening. Your body had this potential for so many years… dormant and unused… and then when you get pg, your body just does what it is supposed to. (Not exactly in your case, alloimmunity and all, but you get what I mean, I hope.)

    Take care of yourself. Cry when you need to. Others have been where you are. Simone is very real. You may not feel how real she is until she is in your arms, but she is. xoxo

  3. Jen

    Aww sweetie I so feel what you’re saying. There is so much pressure on pregnant women to be so happy the whole 9 months you’re pregnant. Meanwhile your hormones are raging out of control and you feel like a horrible person for not enjoying every second. I have been pregnant 6 times and not one of those times have I felt as joyful as I thought I should.
    As hard as it is to see, things do get better. Cherish the days you feel good, and eat a shit load of chocolate on the days you don’t 🙂

  4. docgrumbles

    I experienced some similar feelings – in fact, I think I am just coming out of them about now. When you fight hard for something, you feel like you should be full of nothing but bliss… but sometimes you just can’t get that excited. No need to feel guilty.

  5. My heart goes out to you. We’re really close in where we are in our pregnancy, so I couldnt wait to leave a comment. I started feeling very similar last week, so I did what we as lesbians do, researched.

    During this week of our pregnancy, we are going through the next ‘hormone surge’. As if that wasnt bad enough, I read over and over that it’s very common at this point to become almost ‘bored’ or ‘disconnected’ from the pregnancy because you’re past the halfway point, but still have a ways to go.

    None of this completely alleviated my guilt, but it made me feel like I wasnt the worst person on the planet. We really feel for you out here, because on top of all of the pregnancy issues, you’re going through home issues, and I, personally, cant imagine how that must be wreaking havoc on your emotions.

    I say cry. If you hear a song, hearing about Obama’s mom, if you see a flower that just strikes you as moving, cry. Release in whatever way you see fit, and dont feel bad for doing it. Simone is going to be great, and she’s going to love you, never judging how you felt during these times.

    I second the sentiment of Mulberry, if you ever need to vent or what not, please feel free to contact us outside of the blog area at: martkee89@yahoo.com

  6. giggleblue

    just wanted to send you hugs!

  7. missanthropy

    Damn, woman! I thought I was bad. If it makes you feel any better (because I really have no advice for someone who isn’t in the same boat as I am), I have absolutely no energy or excitement about being pregnant right now.
    When people find out about it, they’re super-excited for me, and they want me to respond by jumping up and down and screaming, but I just don’t have it in me. It’s kind of a scary experience for me and until I get my necessary 14+ hours of sleep each day, I can’t even be bothered to fake a smile.
    I’ve felt as irritable and pissy as I do when I have gotten depressed in the past (I don’t get weepy when I’m depressed; I get anxious and irritated). I can only hope that this is merely an emotional phase and I’ll have some more energy soon.
    And I hope that’s all you’re going through. I’m sure it’s completely normal and just one of those things people don’t really talk that much about because everyone expects pregnant women to be these glowing, happy beacons of hope and life that no one really can be all the time.

  8. I had a sort of depressed and disconnected spell a few weeks ago. I think it must have been the hormones and it has passed. I hope that you feel better soon. (((hugs)))

  9. Io

    Man, everyone else has really good advice. I’m just here to hug you and tell you it will get better. It will get better.

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