posted by Mel

As a daycare business I will not discriminate because of your choice of lifestyle.  I do not have a problem caring and loving your child and being friends with you.  However, even though I’m a Methodist and we accept everyone I do not agree with your lifestyle but that is my personal opinion and would not reflect on our friendship.  We all make choices and do things that others don’t agree on and it shouldn’t reflect on loving the person for who they are.

From a real e-mail I received this morning from a in-her-own-home daycare provider. I’m feeling chafed, and I’m unsure how to respond. I’m sure this woman feels that she has been very reasonable with me, and I don’t want to fly off the handle.

Still. So many complex issues to work through here. 1.) Choice. My immediate response to the choice thing is always: IF my lesbianism is a choice, it is a legitimate one. 2.) Lifestyle– I don’t view my romantic relationship as a lifestyle. It’s a partnership, a union of souls; some might even call it a marriage. When I think about my lifestyle, it’s usually a lot more about what I do with the roughly 16 hours/day I spend upright rather than the 8 I spend horizontal. I’m an urban dweller who tries to avoid waste, strives for balance and simplicity, and prefers a walk in the park, a glass of wine in an intimate restaurant, and a good book on the couch to a night dancing to loud music. That’s what I think when someone says “lifestyle.” 3.) Friend– is it possible to be friends with someone who disapproves of my “lifestyle” when the only thing she’s basing her disapproval on is that I’m a member of a two-mom household? 4.) Accept– What does this word mean in the context of this paragraph? My ex-Lutheran ears hear the same old fool’s bargain that most churches have been shilling for the past few decades. Come on in. Everything will be fine as long as you are properly ashamed of yourself and know that the rest of us are morally superior to you.

You know what our OB said when she met Vanessa and me for the first time? “Lucky baby.” Why can’t it always be like that?



Filed under The way the world works, Young'n

21 responses to “Sanctimony

  1. Io

    I want to punch your new “friend.”

    Sorry. I am apparently very immature.

  2. Lo

    Good heavens. I am so sorry you’re having this trouble. I say, “lucky baby.”

  3. jay

    God. Why not reply and say you don’t discriminate either but you don’t agree with HER chosen attitude? She sucks!!!!

    And your baby is definitely lucky, but you didn’t need me to point that out.

  4. I see little difference between saying that and saying outright that she hates us. Either way, she obviously thinks we’re “icky” and wrong. Fuck her.

  5. she tolerates rather than accepts. write her back and tell her that as a “daycare professional” if she truly didn’t have a problem professionally with caring for your child, then she wouldn’t have bothered laying out her personal opinions. I imagine that you’d asked her if she was going to have a problem working with you? if so, as a professional she should have said “no” and left it at that (thank god she didn’t, though, eh?) and if this was truly unprovoked then she is one nightmare you definitely don’t need “caring” for your sweet baby.

    and, your daycare provider should not be your friend. you can be friendly with her, but at the end of the day it’s a business arrangement. but then, that’s just my assvice, take it or leave it.

  6. Ann

    yikes. I think her intentions were good.. in that she was “trying” to tell you she’s fine with it.. but she probably should have kept it simple sweet and not have thrown in her opinion.

    well.. not everyone is smart lol

  7. Umm. Wow. I’m at a loss for words. I think. And that never happens. Oh wait, there they are. There’s nothing worse then a bigot in hiding. Or maybe there is. Predjudice clothed in supposed ‘understanding and tolerance’. Everyone’s right, your baby IS a lucky baby. Because Lucky Baby has loving parents who would never send LB to someone like this woman. She may be a great provider, but with people like that, I find they often have ‘agendas’ in the care of children, that they themselves may not even be aware of. Hmph.

  8. amy

    i’m totally with chicory. regardless of what you decide to say or not say, you’re obviously not going to trust her with your munchkin at this point so it’s really about whether you want to take the opportunity to enlighten someone’s closed mind or not spend your energy.

    it’s frustrating but i’m with you, we disclose 100% up front, would rather know what someone’s thinking before we move forward with whatever it is we’re doing.

    hopefully you’ll find something that you’re comfortable with soon, i know it’s stressful but the good news is you have some time. we happened upon the pre-school when we weren’t looking and it was everything we *should* have been looking for and therefore jumped on it.

  9. (shudder)

    Translation – I will tolerate your presence, but I will judge you harshly every moment I interact with you.

    She’d be a HORRIBLE role model for you child. Stay away from her.

  10. Robin

    Wow… that is disturbing. Maybe you could be friends with a wolverine instead.

  11. she should have just said, “i love you but hate your sin” or something along those lines. it would have saved her some keystrokes, because that’s what she was trying to say in too many words.

    i agree with all the other posters – pass on her ass.. there is no way in hell i would leave my child with her. i mean seriously, lady, if i was in the daycare business, i wouldn’t care if the mom had three assholes and worked at a whore house, so long as i was getting paid on time and the child was well taken care of (which means clean baby, clean clothes, food, and diapers). now that’s PROFESSIONAL, because how you personally feel should not impact the care of one’s child. not only that, but what’s this “friend” crap? i’m not looking for a friend, i’m looking for someone to take excellent care of my child. if you were a friend, i wouldn’t be paying you… eh.

    i say don’t respond, because i’m sure she sees her response as being accepting and anything you say will further prove why you are “going to hell” for your “lifestyle”.

    queue reason number 459 of why we are leaving texass next year. bastards.

  12. Crazy. And sad that people like this are everywhere and have no problem living like that, with that kind of blatant bias in every well-intentioned word. No, I don’t believe it’s a choice, and so what if it were? Is it somehow “less than” that I’m married to a woman instead of a man? Right. I can’t ACCEPT anyone who would believe that. Love is. And you’re making a wonderful family. You deserve to be around people and friends who are nothing but supportive of that. Grrrrrr.

  13. My two cents:

    No, it isn’t possible to be friends, and no, she doesn’t accept you by any meaningful definition of the word.

    Whether this place is the best you can do, well, that’s a different story. I have no idea.

    I can, however, imagine her eventually asking the two of you to not touch in front of anyone, to not use the word partner or mom, not to even show up together, or any other number of crazy requests. Oh, or as someone else implied, teach her beliefs to your child when you’re not around. There is no way this belief of hers isn’t going to rear its ugly head.

  14. “I’m totally not judging you (except that I’m judging you) but I totally don’t want you to *think* that I’m judging you, even though I’m better than you are.”


    “You’re totally going to hell. But, hey, don’t let me stop you!”

  15. Co


    i’m sorry all that was unloaded on you. i agree with what everyone else has said. lo is a teacher. i used to be a teacher. and teachers are professionals. i may not have approved of what went on in my students’ homes either… i may not have approved of the “choices” their parents made when it came to discipline or homework or what to feed them or what their bedtime was or whatever … but if there was no neglect or abuse going on, so be it. it wasn’t my job to sit in a place of judgment. And it’s not hers either.

    And no, I was not *friends* with any of my students’ parents. Friendly, sure. Friends, no.

    And one’s person religious beliefs don’t matter in one’s professional relationship with the children one cares for or teaches, unless one is teaching at a religious school. She is running a day care not a religious preschool.

    And yeah, I agree with you about “lifestyle.” I am pretty traditional in terms of what I want. I want a job I like that uses my brain and pays the bills. I want a partner, a kid, a dog, a home… I want to cook dinners and bake cookies. Oh, and I also happen to like women. But while in some ways an essential part of my identity, it’s also only one small part of my identity. I don’t know what that person thinks our lifestyle is like, but um…

    And yes, your little one is way lucky to have two moms who moved heaven and earth to get her, and will love her like crazy.

  16. I say it’s better to know upfront to stay away from her than it would be to find out down the road that she’s “not judging” you by filling Simone’s head with crazy talk!

  17. Kim

    Ugh. She probably thinks she’s being reasonable, as you pointed out, and possibly even supportive. I’m not sure it’s possible for people like this to ever learn. If you give her any reply at all, she’ll see you as one of them knee-jerking, humorless lesbians I’m always hearing about. (But oddly, I don’t seem to know any of them. Weird, huh?)

    Your OB is a wonderful human being. I love her without even knowing her.

  18. I can tell you that it pisses me off and I wouldn’t be able to respond without flying off the handle. Fuck her. (sorry. but just as they have opinions about people, I’ll be opinionated right back.)

  19. Dear Daycare Provider,
    I can see from your email that you were trying to be accepting and loving. However, I’m not interested in leaving my precious daughter in the care of someone who has to try hard to accept, or try hard to tolerate her parents. Or someone who thinks her parents have “chosen” a lifestyle that is less worthy than your own. I’ll be praying for you and the children in your care.

    P.S. Fuck you and the judgmental horse you rode in on.

  20. I have a tendency to lack tact when angry, so I might tell this woman to f*&^ off. She represents all that is wrong with humanity.

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