posted by Mel
I let too much time go by afraid to post, and now there is too much to post, and I am overwhelmed by it.
Someday I will write about how difficult these last couple of weeks have been, how we’ve been dealing with the loss- mostly about how I am dealing with the loss because I’ve been very stuck on my end of it. Vanessa has suffered a huge loss as well, but she has been the rock of Gibraltar while I’ve been dealing—never seeming to even flinch at a sudden sobbing binge. They come on like tornados. Today, though, I’m focusing on what comes next.
We’ve been exploring two options simultaneously—adoption and getting Vanessa pregnant via IUI. I’ve been pretty focused on adoption, since that seemed a surer thing. Meanwhile, Vanessa has been dealing, mostly silently, with an impending identity shift were she to become pregnant. Monday night brought a complete and thorough meltdown in which she proclaimed that she did not want to carry. Pregnancy fucks with her identity too much. I get that. Not getting pregnant seriously fucks with my identity. For insurmountable physical and emotional reasons, I have to deal with that, but there’s no reason she should be pregnant if she doesn’t want to be. I cannot support reproductive freedoms for myself and for other women and withhold that support from my own partner. We will adopt. The end here is to become parents, not martyrs.