Midnight musings

Posted by Mel

I’ve been awake since 1:30 this morning. I’ve been sleeping (trying at least) sitting up for the past couple of nights because when I lie down excess fluid pools around my lungs, and I wake up feeling like my chest is going to explode. I got on the scale at 5:30, and I’ve lost about 11 oz since yesterday. I’ve also lost an inch around my waist between yesterday morning and this morning so I’m hoping OHSS hell is over. It has been 8 days since retrieval and I’m still up over 5 lbs from where I was before we started stimming for IVF. I went up 8 lbs total.

I spend a lot of this middle-of-the-night time adoring a sleeping Vanessa (She’s probably going to leave me if I don’t quit kissing her feet) and thinking about the child we might have together someday. I’ve come to the conclusion that her eggs are going to make better babies than mine ever could have. Despite the fact that she grew up moving between two (heavily) smoking households, exclusively bottle-fed as a baby and afterwards raised almost entirely on white bread, bologna, diet soda, and snack cakes, Vanessa has no allergies at all. I, on the other hand, with my stable two-parent household and stay-at-home mom who breastfed me past 6 months and fed me fruits and vegetables at least twice a day, sniff, cough, and gag my way through Spring, Summer, and early Fall. At 34, Vanessa still has perfect vision. I’ve been wearing glasses since 1st grade and am legally blind in one eye.


Vanessa’s the brightest person I know. She seeks knowledge every single day, and I think she always has. Recently she pointed out a well-worn book sitting on her mom’s shelf as her childhood dictionary. It’s obvious she spent a lot of time looking up words grownups didn’t bother explaining. She never wastes time looking for someone to hand her an easy answer. She’s always looking not just for the “how” something works but also the “why.” She takes charge when things look dark, takes her responsibilities seriously, and expects and encourages others to live up to their potential. If she’s not challenged in her work, she’s not happy, so she’s always looking for the next great opportunity. She always seems to find it. If she loves you, you feel it all the time in everything she does.


I could keep going, but you get the picture. I couldn’t pick a better parent for my child and now the bonus is that our kid gets her genes. I’m thrilled out of my mind and terrified that it might not work.



Filed under Gettin' Knocked Up, Young'n

5 responses to “Midnight musings

  1. Lo

    What a beautiful tribute to your wife.

  2. jay

    Indeed, Lo. Personally I’m too moved to say anything else!

  3. Co

    Firstly, I’m sorry you’re still suffering from OHSS.

    Secondly, my upbringing sounds a lot like Vanessa’s, only I have severe asthma and allergies.

    Thirdly, I love the sentiment of your post. It’s truly amazing to me how much Lo loves Flipper. It’s funny because she has such a visceral connection to her little nephew in part because he looks so much like her sister and her and her family. Flipper will not look anything like Lo or her family. However, he may look like me. (I am convinced he has my sticky-out ears, at least, just from the ultrasound.) He is a little piece of me, and she loves me. So, she will have the same visceral connection with Flipper, too, because she loves me and because as he grows–biology be damned–we will both shape and nurture him and he will be ours.

    It is clear from this how much you love Vanessa. Not sure if I’m making any sense, but I wanted to remark on what a wonderful gift Vanessa is giving to your family and what a wonderful mothers you both will be.

  4. How lovely, to have the chance of eggs from the person you love. Though I must say, now pregnant with eggs from a close friend, I’m sure I’m just the tiniest bit in love with HER. Not just because it was such an incredible gift, but because the process of egg donation makes you really ponder and value the attributes of the donor, or at least, it has for me, and although of course there are bits of yourself you hope still stay in the mix (what is nature and what is nurture, after all?) you become quite fond of aspects of the donor you hope will get passed on. Generosity of spirit, for sure… but in my case, being a little bit taller, being able to sing…

  5. I just re-read this post. It is so lovely. Can’t wait to hear an update on your plan.

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