Gaia I’m not– apparently

After a last-minute weekend counseling appointment, I’m at least resigned to the fact that we are probably not going to get pregnant sans technology. This makes me really sad. I’ve been trying to limit the amount of medication and medical assistance necessary to achieve pregnancy thinking that we would be able to keep our stress lower and my hormones less wonky. Also, to be honest, stirrups, injections, and medications don’t make me feel very earth-mothery.

Instead, spending all the money on sperm and IUIs without the certainty that an egg will be there to meet the little swimmers when they come along is making both Vanessa and me crazy. My emotions and hormones are all over the place, and I’m now 5 days past the point that I normally ovulate (like clockwork up till now) with Basal Body Temperatures that are actually lower right now than they usually are when I’m on my period– not right at all for this time in my cycle.

It’s time to move to the next level. We’ve grown really attached to the nurse practitioner who has been doing our inseminations and don’t want to do this without her, but we’re considering seeing a fertility specialist– at least for a consultation. I think our nurse can probably do the ultrasound and the ovulation trigger shot if that’s the route we decide to go, but I want to hear what route a specialist would choose, too. At the same time, I’m wary of going to a fertility doc because I’m afraid s/he will, if possible, make this process feel even more medicalized than it already does and that this will cost us even more money than it’s costing right now.

I thought I was over thinking we could do this somehow approximating the “natural” way of things because I had let go of the idea of soft music, candlelight, and doing everything at home, but apparently I still have some learning to do. Each month I feel less fertile, less in touch with my body. I’m coming to the conclusion, however, that I need to just let it go and give it over to the doctors until I’m pregnant.

I feel guilty for posting this because I know that, to a lot of folks, it seems like we’re blazing new territory here. I know that some women are probably lurking who are interested in getting pregnant via artificial insemination, and it’s really discouraging to read this. I wish I could be a better role model. I know it’s all going to be worth it in the end, but I have to admit that getting there is much harder than I thought it was going to be.

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “Gaia I’m not– apparently

  1. I was only able to tolerate 3 “natural” (IUI) cycles. Then I got scared and upset and freaked out about money. Something in my brain or priorities snapped and suddenly I was “Damn the torpedos! Full speed ahead!”

    The next two cycles were full of drugs and bloodwork and trigger shots — but it worked. We have a beautiful, healthy boy. When we try again with my partner, we will go from 0 to 60 on the first cycle. We’re done with f*cking around.

    I wish you the best of luck.

  2. vee

    Hey there! Tracked you back here after you left a comment on my blog (thanks!)

    I’ve just spent an entertaining half hour trawling through your archives and “ahhh”ing at your dog Rosie – she’s a honey.

    I’m sorry you’re feeling crappy about the increased medicalisation you are looking at having to undergo. We’re going the known donor route, at the moment at least, so we don’t have the same worries, but I think if I was in your position, I’d be crawling the same walls.

    Natural and earth mothery are all well and good until you have to start paying through the nose for them, i’m sure. I know of other TTCers who determinedly tried to stay in control of the various medical processes they underwent, but they did have the advantage of being nurses or researchers! If you do end up putting yourself in the hands of the good doctors, as you are leaning towards, it may not be a bad thing. Maybe you’ll find that shedding some of that responsibility is a relief.

    I don’t think you should feel guilty or feel like you are a bad role model – you tell it like it is, warts and all – people will be glad of your honesty. This is not an easy journey.

    I wish you every luck for the next cycle and will be checking in again for graphic news of injections, blood work, stirrups and dildocams!!

  3. vee

    Me again – can’t work out how to get the RSS feed for your blog (not very technical). I’d like to add you to my bloglines account, if you could explain how?

  4. The URL for the RSS feed for the site is https://indyness.wordpress.com/feed/. You should be able to paste that feed URL into bloglines or any other reader. Sometimes wordpress gets bogged down and other sites error out trying to read the feed. When that happens, I usually try again later.

  5. Pingback: One in the chute « IndyNess

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